What’s a reliable way to know if someone is right for you? There isn’t one. How do you know for sure if you’re ready to settle down? Who knows? Believe me, I’ve been trying to figure out these issues for myself for some time now, and it is difficult. Who hasn’t had a nagging feeling like, “Is this the one for me?” Maybe you’ve got a great relationship going until you finally get down to the decision of getting married. Then you
get weak-kneed, anxious and stressed. You think, “oh my God! Marriage! Is that where we are headed? Is this what i really want and with this person? The truth is there are some facts about life that we must deal with at one point or another
Sometimes the most wonderful things aren’t initially clear to us. So how do you decide which it really is: “Settling down fever” or wondering whether “she (or he) really is it?” let’s look first at “settling down fever”. If you have some last minutes jitters, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get married. You need to examine what that “fever” is all about? You may already be in a great relationship, but for some reason you can’t quite feel its benefits. Sometimes the most wonderful things aren’t at first clear to us. We live through rough patches, lovers, jobs, and friendship that have ended, but only later discover just how positive their effects have been on our lives. Maybe as you make the decision to get married, you see only the bad, little of the good. You might think that commitment means a loss of “freedom” or “passion” or “spontaneity” or of love itself. So you might have a good thing with your fiancée that your “settling down fever” obscures.
On the other hand, maybe “he/she really isn’t it”. What would it be if he or she really weren’t the one? Of course only you can know this, but here are starter thoughts. Would you feel sad? Angry? Hateful? Or could you feel that way even if you were madly in love? (My bet is that we can all feel such strong negative emotions about our partners). Are you worried that the love will someday dry up? Why did you get engaged in the first place? Maybe you believe you have “too many” issues to work out between yourselves? There’s no fun there? No passion? You might be downright wrong for each other. Are you dragging out a process that you should have ended long ago just because you are scared to end it?
The consequences of upping the ante on love.
How is it possible to know beforehand what sort of relationship you’ve got? It doesn’t really matter until you realize that when you up the ante in love, you up both the positive and negative consequences. Any change in you and your partner’s level of commitment can lead you to feel more of the greatest love and warmth you’ve ever experienced in your life. And subsequently you’ll increase the chance that you’ll endure the most profound rejection and pain you’ve ever imagined.
Here are just a few of the emotions you might feel when you go from dating many to dating one; from seeing each other five times a week, to living together; from being a couple to getting engaged; and from engagement and beyond: Joy. Panic. Contentment. Sadness. Glee. Boredom. Relief. Indifference. Anger! Satisfaction. Terror. Peace. Anxiety. Dread. Fulfilment. Repression…… you get the idea.
Talk to your partner.
Notice that these feelings can’t all be just wrapped up in a tidy little package. They’re messy, complicated. Worse, you experience them all at the same time. Here’s my advice: If you are fairly secure in your relationship, perhaps you could sit down and talk with your partner as honestly as you possibly can, let him (or her) know exactly how you feel. If you can trust your partner with “heavy stuff”, let him/her know that you might be having some “settling down fever”.
Honesty is important in any long term relationship, so why not let your spouse know that you’ve wondered whether “he/she really isn’t it”. Who knows, maybe he/she’ll tell you that he/she too was worried just like you are, but that he/she got over it. Maybe he/she’ll even tell you how he resolved his/her concerns and you’ll feel greatly relieved- like it was just “settling down fever” all along. Or maybe you’ll find out that he/she doesn’t really want to be married, but couldn’t bring him/herself to tell you. Maybe what you find out can help you get clear on the next step to take, whether it’s up another level, or down the back stairs and out the door. Either way, you can’t lose.
An Article from Heart2Heart Magazine